I've been working on-and-off throughout the summer on a Harry Potter fanfiction featuring the pairing Severus Snape and Irma Pince - I don't know what's wrong with my mind so don't ask - and am very, very stuck. For innumerable reasons, the least of which is that I'm just not competent enough to capture either character. Not in a way that won't scream "pathetic, melodramatic drivel." 

So, I'm posting an excerpt, a really horribly written one that I'm really uncertain whether to include or not, and if anyone feels as if they wouldn't mind hurting themselves a bit, I'd love it if you could take a quick skim and tell me "yes" or "no." 

If I kept this wordy narrative, it would obviously be the introduction to the story, and it just seems terribly boring to open with, especially as it is in Irma's POV, and she's as unpopular a character as there could be. If I didn't keep this, my alternative is to plunge straight into their renewed acquaintance with Snape's return to Hogwarts as a reformed Death Eater. The history could always be slipped in elsewhere. 

I think I've half convinced myself already. But I'm a teenager; I can't make decisions. Help. 

Thank you ahead of time for just reading all of that. Sorry to take advantage. ^^;